My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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