My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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