And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
