We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
