Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
