I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
