Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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