I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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