Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
