someone threw a dead crab at me
the condom got lost in my hair
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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