Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
