So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
