I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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