But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
