then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
what day is it and did you see me today?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's great music for shaving your balls
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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