There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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