so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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