Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
