Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
