Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
