and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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