I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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