My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize