Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
