If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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