I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
