he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
