my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
