Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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