So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
