I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
