She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
