just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
