Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
