can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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