he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize