I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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