I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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