I want to have your abortion
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
