I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
