Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
