You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
