I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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