meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
