I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
