i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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