I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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