I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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