If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
