Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
