never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
