You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
