life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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