i need an iv and a liver transplant
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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