have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
