my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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