last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
