When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
