it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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