She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
