You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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