I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
