At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
